Resilience (n.) -The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Nonchalance (n.) - The trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern.
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I’ve unwittingly struggled with the concept of resilience and nonchalance for years, too often believing that the two were intertwined, that by being one meant you were the other as well. It was only recently that I realized and understood the difference.
Prior this revelation, my “apathy” had me convinced I was a horrible person, a villain of sorts. I have an ability to disengage effortlessly from relationships after disputes and it was this characteristic that I troubled to grasp. It’s not to say that I won’t try to patch things up; I will. But if at the end of the day the other party decides they don’t want to be friends any more, I don’t grovel, I don’t cry, I don’t try to reconcile the friendship any longer; I move on.
The swiftness of the process alarmed me, however; one of my closest friends refused to let people leave her life, regardless of how much they’ve wronged her, and here I was, seemingly indifferent to the people who disappeared from mine. Regarding her to be one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, obviously she wasn’t doing anything wrong. Thus, I tried to be more like her. This was to no avail though.
Because I couldn’t stop doing this, I accepted it. I started to believe that I was in a way evil and chalked it all up to me being the bad person. A villain. How was I any different than a psychopath who holds the same disregard for others’ feelings and the rules of society? Of course, I haven’t committed any crimes but what’s to say my nonchalant behaviour towards the feelings of others won’t escalate to encompass their well-being as well? Spiralling downward, I remember hitting an exceptionally low point and thinking that I should save the world from myself.
Fortunately, I was gifted with a wake-up call. During a particular stressful situation, my mother said to me, “What’s the matter? You’re usually so good at bouncing back. Nothing keeps you down.” Analyzing this statement, I was not-so-rudely awakened by the realization that this was a strength. It’s not that I don’t care about these people who have walked out of my life - if any one of them decided they wanted to be friends again, I’d welcome them back with open arms - I just refuse to dwell on what I cannot change. I don’t allow what’s happened to overwhelm and control me but instead, I accept it and move on. I was (and still am) resilient.
And what’s wrong with resilience? What’s wrong with being able to move on and allowing yourself to be happy again? Being resilient, being capable of moving on quickly doesn’t mean that I’m indifferent. Hell, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t still be thinking about them. But I am blessed in that I can let go of what hurts me (and what will hurt me) very quickly, even if I do so unconsciously.
Choosing to be happy doesn’t make me a bad person though.
It all sounds so silly now but the power of words is unquestionable. Sure, you could say this is all a matter of semantics, but to me, it’s the difference between feeling like the world would be better off without you and knowing that you are strong enough to move on. It’s funny to know that what was once believed to be a curse is actually a blessing in disguise. I’m not complaining though; it feels good.
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tl;dr: Resilience is not nonchalance and I am not a bad person.
